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1. Women process (and act on) information completely differently than men.
Never forget this. Stop thinking of women as screwed-up men and start
realizing that their minds were built from an entirely different
blueprint.
Just as a hawk can discern details at distances that a man needs a
ten-power scope to see, a woman is many times more capable than a man at
reading the emotions of other women. (Women may be equally capable at
reading men's emotions, but have never seen a need to.) Walk into a
large party with a woman. You, the man, will see a bunch of people in a
room, talking in groups of two to five. You'll see where the food and
bar is, and notice any exceptionally attractive women in the room.
That's it. Your companion, however, will be able to tell you which woman
is angry, which one is lonely, which is happy, which is upset, which
ones feel self-conscious, which ones are jealous, and (probably) which
ones are having affairs and with which men. Your female companion will
be able to accurately tell you these things within ten seconds of
entering the room.
This ability comes at a price: Women are many times more sensitive than
men to emotional pain. Imagine a man whose skin was so sensitive that
ordinary contact was painful. Whenever someone shook his hand in
greeting or clapped him on the shoulder in congratulations, it would
feel to him as if boiling water were being thrown on his flesh. Now turn
that disparity in physical sensitivity into emotional sensitivity and
you'll get a good picture of a fundamental difference between men and
women.
Men seldom if ever need to know what a group of other women is thinking,
so they usually experience a woman's heightened sensitivity from the
negative perspective. They hurt their wives' feelings without realizing
it (just like the handshake in the above hypothetical) and then are
baffled when their women are upset with them, often for days or weeks at
a time, for seemingly no reason. (I'll discuss what to do about this
later. Keep reading.)
2. Men and women have very different definitions of integrity. Men have integrity to their word, but because of the heightened sensitivity as explained above, women have integrity to their
feelings.
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| Click Pic for "You're Such a Tool!" |
Women base their actions on how they feel at the time. This means that
if something no longer "feels" right, they won't do it, period. It
infuriates most men when a woman "flakes" on them. ("Flaking" is the
term that men who study this sort of thing use to describe when a woman
who has eagerly made plans with them doesn't show up, or calls at the
last minute to cancel because her girlfriend needs consoling etc.
Roughly speaking, a woman's tendency to flake is proportional to her
options and inversely proportional to her age, although I did meet one
38-year-old single mother of two with this habit.) Understand that the
need to be true to one's feelings is an extremely powerful force with
women. Look at the dominant theme in all romance novels: The woman is
"swept away" by emotions too powerful to be denied, and has an affair
when everyone knows she shouldn't. Another example is the adage "Hell
hath no fury like a woman scorned." Even the former First Lady
(according to the Secret Service) regularly threw things (lamps, etc.)
at her husband when angry. Can you imagine a man doing this, instead of
saying "Next"? The idea is ludicrous.
If you're a man, you probably do what you've agreed to do (help someone
move, etc.) because you said you would. However, you wouldn't go through
with your plans to help your acquaintance move if it had suddenly
become a felony with a mandatory 10-year prison sentence to do so, would
you? Of course not. Ten years in prison trumps a promise to move
furniture. Well, that is the kind of aversion that women have to doing
things that no longer "feel" right. Later I'll explain how to make this
"integrity to feelings" work to your benefit.
3. Most women are much more rational than most men at the initial meeting.
For all of men's complaints about "screwed-up 'chick logic'," it is men
who unconsciously fall into a very irrational pattern of behavior when
they first meet a new woman that interests them.
Upon meeting an attractive and perhaps interesting woman for the first
time, most men behave as if they are thinking about...wait for
it...marriage! Hollywood has bombarded us with "love at first sight"
stories, but what kind of message does it really send to a woman you've
just met that you've already decided she's the one? It screams pathetic
loser who couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of
pardons. "One-itis" is the absolute death knell to any person's chance
with someone new. Women know this. Men, as a rule, don't.
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There's an old saying that "To meet her handsome prince, a girl has to
kiss a lot of frogs." Given that few American women age well or are
financially self-sufficient, this adage is much more appropriate for men
aspiring to marriage than it is for women.
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| Click for "Judge by Actions, Not by Words" -- the Book of Pook |
4. What women say they want and what they actually do want are two different things. Men
need to be keenly aware of this and act accordingly. The crap that
women claim they want in the personals ads is exactly the kind of thing
that would have the same women running for the nearest exit out of
boredom if the men actually provided it.
Women want to feel attraction for someone, and attraction doesn't come
from finding a man who is sensitive, or caring, or likes long walks on
the beach, cats, and candlelight dinners, has a college education or a
good job.
Attraction isn't a choice. Attraction comes from that little
shiver of anticipation of not knowing what's coming next, of not being
able to pigeonhole the man she's with into any one category, of being
just a little bit off-balance and not in total control.
5. Women read things into men's actions that aren't there. Accept
that, and make it work for you, if possible. This phenomenon probably
comes from women's heightened emotional sensitivity. It may also come
from
the need many women have for drama (and for some women, chaos) in
their lives.
What the above things mean for you, and how to stop screwing up like you've been doing:
Dealing with a woman's heightened sensitivity: When a woman
complains about a problem in her life (she will see it as "sharing," not
complaining), never offer a solution to the problem. She doesn't want
to fix it, she wants to relive it, over and over. Show sympathy but
suggest that only another woman could truly understand what she's going
through. This acknowledges women's superior emotional capacity.
Depending on how you say it, it may send another unspoken message if the
complaining was a test (and it probably was): You're trying my patience
here. I don't fall for that BS. Watch it.
Integrity to feelings: If you can keep a woman in the state of
feeling excited, anxious, off-balance, and emotional when she's around
you, you can pretty much lead her wherever you want. An extreme example
of this is the group of attractive young women who did anything they
were told by a homely little runt of a man named Charles Manson. I'm not
advising that you turn into a sociopath, but it's kind of fun getting
the girl you met this afternoon to slip off her thong during dinner and
hand it to you. Learning how to keep a
woman's emotional state at the
desired level takes a lot of practice and experimenting (which is fun)
and can't be described in a one-page column, but here's a start: Women
are attracted to Mystery, Uncertainty (not the same thing), Confidence
and Arrogance when combined with humor, and believe it or not,
Indifference. Observe the desirable women you know that are obsessed
with their boyfriends and you will see that the boyfriends invariably
exhibit these qualities, irrespective of whether they are decent guys or
total jerks.
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| Click Pic for "Be a Lover, Not a Provider" |
Gifts: Gifts can be good at eliciting emotions and even smoothing
the rough spots, but don't make the mistake of giving the wrong kind.
You'll go broke and not accomplish what you intended. Since women's
emotions are so powerful, realize that all gifts to women have a
soothing effect and "goodwill time frame" that is proportional to the
emotion evoked. This has nothing to do with the value or utility of the
gift, believe me. Whether you're in the early stages of a relationship
or have been married ten years, never give expensive gifts, agree to
extensive home remodeling that you don't particularly want, expensive
trips, etc. in the hope that it will improve her feelings for you. If
you do, you'll be paying for the expenditure long after your girlfriend
or wife has stopped smiling at you for what you did. Instead, give
little nothing gifts like a funny card, or a stuffed animal holding
flowers, and say "I was thinking of you today." Do this at unexpected
times. A week later (or maybe even the next day), the $12 stuffed
Dalmatian with the heart-shaped spots will be forgotten, and your
woman's attitude will probably (and understandably) be "What have you
done for me lately?" But guess what? The same thing will happen a week
after you agree to pay for her eight-year-old's private school tuition,
which is a $120,000 tab over ten years. You do the math. The exception
to this rule is if you decide to give an expensive, useful gift to a
woman who needs it and who has been exceptionally good to you already.
Few men do this. Men usually give presents, take women to expensive
restaurants, etc. in the hope that the recipient will be grateful. THIS
DOES NOT WORK. Expensive gifts should always be unexpected rewards. They
should never be attempted inducements.
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Testing: Reread the last section's comments on tests. Remember that
testing will continue until one of you dies. Even if you break up, she
will probably test you if an opportunity presents itself. Plan for this
accordingly.
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Flaking: The younger and hotter the girl, the greater the chance
she will flake. Hotties and flaking are like alcoholics and drinking: If
they can, they probably will. The only way to completely prevent an
alcoholic from drinking or a hottie from flaking it is to create an
environment where it cannot occur, like sending the alcoholic to live in
the Saudi desert. To prevent flaking, only offer an activity if it is
something you can do right now. Get her to do something fun and exciting
with you right at that moment. If she demurs, end the conversation as
quickly as possible and eject--don't coerce. When she stops you from
leaving and says to call her so you can make plans, don't believe her,
and call her on it. Tell her you like talking to live people, not
voicemail. Tell her that maybe you'll offer something else if you run
into her again. Unspoken message: Seize the day.
What if you absolutely have to plan a "date" in advance with someone you
suspect may flake on you? When you make the plans, give the girl
something specific to do, like to be sure she's wearing a silk scarf
around her waist when you pick her up. Don't tell her why, but make sure
she realizes that she has to do it, or you'll turn around and leave if
she opens the door and isn't wearing the scarf. She will spend all her
time before the date wondering about this, selecting the perfect scarf,
etc. She'll be caught up in the mystery, drama, and anticipation (women
love these things) and she won't be thinking that "going on this date
doesn't feel right anymore."
Initial meetings: Follow the three second rule. You've got three
seconds from the time you first notice a desirable woman to the time you
say something to her. If you take longer than that, cross her off the
list and move on,
because she's crossed you off her list of possibles.
Never work up your courage to talk to a girl that you've been looking at
across the room for ten minutes. Women hate this. And for God's sake,
never use some service to track down the girl you lusted after in high
school or college. This is called stalking, and unless you graduated
within the past 6 months, chances are she now looks nothing like the
goddess you worshipped from afar. There are better women who don't have
any bad preconceptions about you as close as the nearest Starbucks,
Borders, Safeway, or QuikTrip. Unless you live in a remote area, pretty
girls are everywhere. Always operate from a theory of abundance. There
are more available women in your area than you
could ever meet, but
they're not going to come looking for you. Get out and chat up as many
of them as possible. Most will turn out to be frogs. Expect it. (And
realize your high school dream girl that you were thinking about
tracking down is probably a frog.) You won't find a princess by
convincing yourself that the one girl you've met in the last month is
one. Meeting and dating lots of women gives you a much more accurate
perspective and has the added benefit of making you more attractive to
women, not less.
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| Click Pic for "The Suffragettes versus the Truth" |
Dating multiple women: If you don't want a woman to think of
herself as your one and only girlfriend, don't do things that would make
her think that way. Don't call her every day. Don't see her three or
four times a week. Be up front, and say "I think too many people get
into exclusive relationships far too quickly, and it's not healthy. I
wouldn't even consider having an exclusive relationship with someone I'd
known less than six months." Most people, and women are no exception,
will accept most anything if it is not a surprise. Don't lie and sneak
around. If you see other women and she has a problem with this when
she's only recently met you, she is NOT the one. Next.
Enjoy women for what they are, and don't imagine them to be something
they aren't. It may sound harsh or negative, but real women are seldom
like what we see in movies written by male screenwriters or read about
in novels written by male authors. The cute waitress where you eat lunch
may visually remind you of Meg Ryan (or whoever) in the movie where she
played a waitress, but don't for one second imagine the real-life
waitress to be as intelligent or interesting as the writers who gave Meg
her lines. Flirt with the waitress and let her presence make your lunch
more pleasant, but don't start going there every day and turn her into
some fantasy of yours ("One-itis"). At best, you'll waste a bunch of
better opportunities mooning around her at lunchtime, while she smiles
at you but otherwise blows you off. At worst, she'll eventually accept
your advances, and (since you were fixated on only her and had no other
women to compare her to) you'll end up married before you figure out
that aside from being nice to look at (for now), there isn't much else
you really enjoy about her.
Don't be ordinary. Talk about your job, school, hobbies, etc? Forget it!
If she launches into the same old questions, accuse her of
husband-hunting, and tell her you're not ready for that. Be teasing and
mysterious. Never give a straight answer unless it's "No." Women will
complain that they "can never figure you out and it's driving them
crazy." This is evidence that you are doing the right things.
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| Click Pic for "Sex Sells (Hypergamy Explained)" |
Spank her. Spank her bottom lightly when she does something you don't
like. Spank her harder when she does something good. I discovered this
years ago and the worst results I've ever gotten were neutral. The best
were volcanic. (I don't do this unless I know at least her first name,
but that's just me--it's probably not necessary.)
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| Click for "Most Resposible Teenager in the House" |
When in doubt, tease. Keep the "Bratty Sister Frame" firmly in your mind. Call her on her girl-like behavior. If she mentions
modeling, say, "Oh, you mean like a hand model?" Tell her that her long
fingers remind you of E.T. If she's cute but her clothes are odd-looking
to your eye, ask her if she got dressed in the dark. You get the idea.
Sex in long term relationships: If a good long-term sex life with one
woman is important to you, never get into a committed relationship (such
as marriage) with a slender woman unless she is genetically slender.
200-lb. women who have always been heavy are usually comfortable with
themselves and have good sex drives. Former 125-lb. hotties that gain 75
pounds after saying "I do" often lose all interest in sex and are a
very bad bet for the long haul. I know dozens of men who found this out
the hard way. Conversely, no man I know with a fat partner who has
always been fat (I actually prefer the word "plush") is dissatisfied
with his wife or girlfriend's level of desire. The old admonition about
taking a long look at the mother before proposing is sound advice.
If you want to marry a rich girl: Rich women are no different than other
women in that they are turned on by a man's passion for his work. Keep
in mind that not just any kind of work qualifies. Women are attracted to
artists, especially musicians. Rock stars don't get just high school
groupies, they get rich actresses like Pamela Anderson and rich
supermodels like Rachel Hunter and Paulina Porizkova. Singers in local
bands do equally well on a smaller level. Women (including rich ones) go
for other passionate artists such as actors, dancers, painters, and
sculptors.* If you are a passionate artist, you're a good bet to snag a
rich girl, who will likely be happy to support you and your passion. If
you go this route, keep the rich girl interested by pursuing your
passion WITHOUT going through all her money! Live comfortably but don't
start to believe your own bullshit, getting her to fund your big (and
inevitably money-losing) dreams of grandeur. NEVER let her dip into
principal. If you do, be prepared to be thrown out on your ear. Any
successful investment professional can tell you horror stories about
rich women clients with artist husbands who cooked the goose that laid
the golden eggs.
Maybe this will hold you clueless guys for a while. More later
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